FROM THE ARCHIVE

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In The Hoop
TUESDAY, OCTOBER 23, 2001

Welcome to In The Hoop, Indianz.Com's occasional column about assorted Indian issues.

Who Wants to Be a Trustee?
A federal judge may soon decide to yank Secretary of Interior Gale Norton off the trust fund. If he does, the plaintiffs already have someone in mind: court monitor Joseph S. Kieffer III.

Anyone reading his reports knows he has become uniquely qualified on trust matters in just a few short months. The same probably can't be said for other government officials and representatives who have let the matter fester for more than 100 years.

But anyway, the talk got us thinking. Who else might make a good receiver to handle trust assets of an estimated 300,000 American Indians?

To prepare, In The Hoop has already begun interviewing prospective candidates to handle this $500 million a year system. Here's what we've come up with so far.

Candidate 1: Microsoft Chairman Bill Gates
Pros: Appointing The Evil Inside could help settle the Department of Justice's anti-trust lawsuit. And think of how pretty TAAMS (Ed. Note: This site used to work. See below. Ed. Note Part II: An "update" is promised. We'll believe it when we see it.) will look when it becomes a standard part of Office XP.
Cons: His iron fist rivals that of former Deputy Commissioner of Indian Affairs Hilda Manuel.

Candidate 2: Mona "Cobol Warrior" Infield
Pros: Like Gates, she knows a lot about technology. And since she's been sitting at home drawing an $80,000 yearly salary doing nothing, she must have amassed a wealth that rivals Mr. Gates.
Cons: She's been sitting at home drawing an $80,000 yearly salary doing nothing.

Candidate 3: Former Assistant Secretary Kevin Gover
Pros: He's been "trained" to do this, according to his own court testimony. No doubt he'll "bring it on" as receiver.
Cons: He's already been held in contempt for his handling of the matter. Oops.

Candidate 4: National Park Service Chief Information Officer Dom Nessi
Pros: He can't screw it up any more than he already has. And on the bright side, no bison have imploded since he left the Bureau of Indian Affairs.
Cons: He screwed up the BIA web site before he left.

Candidate 5: Former Special Trustee Paul Homan
Pros: He's done it before.
Cons: Former Secretary of Interior Bruce Babbitt would probably still try to fire him.

In Your Hoop
Who do you want handling your Individual Indian Money account? Email In the Hoop and send his or her resume.