Column: Hey youse, vote for Indian compacts

Tuesday, January 22, 2008  

How do you make fun of Indians, Italians and tribal sovereignty all at once? No, don't call up Iron Eyes Cody, ask author Thomas Gangale to write a column.

"Ciao. I’m Don Tommaso. I’m the capo of the Kachinga Tribe, and I’m makin’ a special appeal to youse, the voters of California. When youse go to the polls on Feb. 5, please vote yes on Propositions 94, 95, 96, and 97. These propositions would approve agreements that four Indian tribes have negotiated with the State of California to triple the number of Indian-run slot machines in some parts of the state. Ka-CHING!

Naturally, my tribe, which has certain business relationships with the other four, is positioned to get a piece of the action. So, we who discovered America are doin’ business with those who were already here when we discovered it. It’s workin’ out for everybody, and it’s tax-free, sweetheart. Ka-CHING! Of course, bein’ a benevolent and generous people, we Kachingas share our good fortune with our needy relatives in Las Vegas, Atlantic City, and elsewhere in the Badabinga nation. So, don’t screw it up for us.

Sure, these so-called “amended gamin’ compacts” allow California environmental regulations to be circumvented, so youse won’t have any of those long, boring environmental impact reports to look over, it’ll just be a done deal. Easier for you, cheaper for us. This’ll minimize our start-up costs. Ka-CHING! Remember that Indian who used to cry about the litter on the side of the road? Forget about it! There’s gonna be so much traffic in and out of these joints we’re gonna build that youse’ll probably run over the guy without ever seein’ him. And never mind that a lot of the traffic will be poor mooks who can’t afford to spend a weekend in Nevada.

Oh, and labor law, we can get around that, too, which’ll minimize our operatin’ expenses. Ka-CHING! That’s because these tribes have what they call “sovereign immunity.” Now, normally I don’t do business with guys who have been given immunity by the feds, but in this case, it’s a beautiful setup.

Believe it or not, the feds are actually in bed with us on this one. The Bush Administration approved the compacts for the big four gamblin’ tribes without a public hearing, which could preempt the state propositions on the February ballot, so maybe your vote won’t even count. How did we pull this off? Sovereign immunity. There are no political contribution limits placed on Indian tribes. It’s legalized bribery. Ka-CHING! You oughta see how they wine and dine both political parties. I tell you, these guys are untouchable, so we deal through them."

Get the Story:
Thomas Gangale: Kachinga Tribe Wants a Piece of the Action (The Berkeley Daily Planet 1/22)