Opinion: Poarch Creeks come with slot machines and marijuana

So the Poarch Band of Creek Indians has threatened to grow marijuana on land the tribe owns in Northwest Florida if Florida doesn't allow it to expand its gambling operations into the state.

Those insensitive, selfish Native Americans. Don't they know what this land means to our people? Don't they know how slot machines and marijuana would destroy the very fabric of the lifestyle we have built in harmony with the land our humble people cherish?

To you Native Americans reading this, I beg you to listen.

See, we are a simple people, descended from simple men and women who came to this land not for casinos and blunts, but to build summer homes and discount auto stores and have packages from Nike delivered to their doorstep, because, they had stuff to do right then and didn't really feel like getting out right that second. This is who we are. We ask for little, except a chance to work for large corporations so that we can pay for our summer homes and so we can fix our cars so we can drive to buy cheeseburgers and Laffy Taffy and toilet paper that is more absorbent than ever!