Have you seen this white, Indian or Hispanic man, who is somewhere between the ages of 30 and 40 and who is as short as 5'2" but as tall as 5'8"?

Oh and he has facial hair that is blond AND salt-and-pepper?

If so, then please contact police in Durango, Colorado, as well as Adam Beach at Law & Order: SVU, because the description of this crime suspect probably won't make it any easier to catch him!

Anyone who has heard Billy Frank Jr., the renowned Nisqually activist from Washington, knows he has a way with words. He gave one of his best one-liners to The Tacoma News-Tribune, which reported on the Nisqually Tribe's attempt to claim sovereignty over the Frank’s Landing Community, where Frank lives:

“Everything they touch turns to crap," Frank said of the Nisquallys.

Not to be outdone, Nisqually Chairwoman Cynthia Iyall had some strong words of her own regarding Frank's Landing's attempt to assert sovereignty:

Iyall recently dismissed Frank’s Landing’s five-member governing council as “basically a school board.”

Ouch. We hate to choose sides but we have to give this one to Billy Frank!

Jerry "Beemer" Reynolds, esteemed Washington, D.C., correspondent for Indian Country Today, loves anonymous sources even more than former New York Times reporter Judith Miller. But instead of reporting on non-existent WMDs (and going to jail for it) Reynolds lets us know what's really important -- the thoughts of our favorite lobbyists!

Just don't ask those lobbyists to be quoted by name. In Reynolds' latest Washington report, he makes up for his failure to attend last week's House Interior appropriations hearing by asking his favorite Capitol Hill sources what they thought about it:

Long-time observers of the case on Capitol Hill, commenting on condition of anonymity due to the contentiousness of the Cobell proceedings, expressed certainty the government will not part with anything close to $58 billion.

...

Another assortment of Capitol Hill observers, again commenting on condition of anonymity and again for the same reason, said the remarks may presage a significantly lower-than-requested appropriation for so-called IIM accounting.

Well, Indianz.Com WAS there, and not only did we not see Jerry Reynolds there, we didn't see any of these so called "long-time" observers. There were approximately three actual Indian people in attendance (besides government folk) and none of them resembled Jerry's go-to guys -- namely, Paul Moorehead, former Senate Indian Affairs Committee staffer and occasional Reynolds anonymous source.

So can you identify this gaggle of observers? We have no clue but we can bet where the found out the information they so readily commented on! Blog-ho!

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Here's one for you Internet sleuthsters: What do the Cherokee Nation and Google have in common, besides being evil empires? Well, they both hired the same lobbyist to lobby members of the Congressional Black Caucus!

According to lobbying records, Paul Brathwaite, the former executive director of the CBC, is helping the Cherokees and the Googlers with a serious color problem. You see, the Cherokees think they have too much of it while the Googlers don't have enough.

So seeing how we're all about solutions here at In The Hoop, we came up with one that will save Chad Smith and Google a heck of a lot of lobbying fees. Have Google hire all of the ousted Freedmen! That gives the Cherokees what they want (0 Freedmen descendants), the Googlers what they need (More than 1 African-American employee) and Congress can get back to its busy schedule of not passing the IHCIA before 2025.

We'll take our check in beads, thank you.

From toe-tappin' Larry Craig to gun-totin' Butch Otter, Idaho is filled with many colorful characters. So how did Indian Country end up with Dirk Kempthorne, the most boring Interior Secretary in history?

Sure, his story about visiting a home in Idaho and finding methamphetamine cooking on the stove is interesting -- the first time he told it. The tenth time? Not so much.

So it's not surprising that his answers to this U.S. News & World Report feature called Finished Sentences are exceptionally boring. He even makes riding a Harley sound ... lame.

1. My job title should really read..."secretary of the treasury, because I oversee America's real treasures...America the beautiful."

2. Breakfast this morning consisted of..."scrambled eggs and Idaho hash browns."

3. The toughest thing about my day is..."figuring out new ways to reconnect American children to nature."

4. When I'm not working, I make time for..."checking in on my first grandchild, Brody, in Idaho; visiting the Lincoln Memorial; doing push-ups and crunches; and riding my Harley."

5. If my 10-year-old self could see me now, he would say..."Wow, you really love your job, don't you?"

It makes us long for the days of Gale Norton and her crazy fashion sense! But she's too busy watching TV to care anymore.

Hey, what does NAHASDA stand for? At today's Interior appropriations hearing, Rep. John W. Olver (D-Massachusetts) wanted to know. But he asked the wrong person.

"Native ... American ... Housing .... something ... .... ... Development Act," said assistant secretary Carl Artman, a member of the Oneida Nation of Wisconsin.

What? Could it be that the head of the Bureau of Indian Affairs doesn't know the "SD" stands for Self-Determination, especially after all those years of working in Washington? He must be too busy cutting HIP to remember all those Indian acronyms.

Well, we guess it's a good thing he doesn't work at HUD. He might not have lasted there very long.

Remember J.D. Hayworth? The Congressman who was BFFs with Indian Country until his non-Indian constituents voted him out of office when he was linked to everyone's favorite lobbyist, Jack Abramoff?

Well, he's got bills to pay from that legal brouhaha! From his blog (yes, he actually has a blog, you can stop laughing now):

At any rate, I had to retain legal counsel in Washington , D.C. to communicate with the Justice Department and co-ordinate compliance with the DOJ’s requests for documents. Whatever remained in the campaign treasury went to cover those fees–and they did not cover them completely.

As a result, I still have outstanding legal bills that total in the hundreds of thousands of dollars.

That’s why “The Freedom in Truth Trust” has been established. Its name comes from holy scripture (”You shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free.”–John 8:32), and its acronym (FIT) is accurate, since this entire episode has given us fits!

So, tribes, if J.D. Hayworth ever wrote a bill for you (and there were quite a few of you), you better pony up and write a bill for him! Someone has to pay for that plastic surgery legal aid.

P.S. That's J.D., his lovely wife, Mary, and Famous Dave Anderson at the National Congress of American Indians annual conference in Fort Lauderdale, Florida, in 2004. Good times.

From The Bleacher Report:

In a move the organization hopes will deflect mounting pressure to change their nickname in light of the NCAA’s decision on American Indian nicknames and mascots, the Washington Redskins announced today that the team will donate 5-percent of stadium firewater sales to Native American groups.

“Indians across the country should know that the Washington Redskins organization will support them and their savage culture to the death, even if that death should come because of scalping,” said Stiffy Johnson. “That’s why 5-percent of firewater sales at FedEx Field this year will go to Indian organizations. Which I think most everyone would agree is more than generous since these people all own casinos nowadays.”

Because, sometimes, you just never know.

We knew it wouldn't be long before Kevin Gover, the former dictator of the Bureau of Indian Affairs, started causing trouble. After recognizing hundreds of illegal tribes and pilfering the Indian trust during the Clinton administration, he's taken his reign of terror to the National Museum of the American Indian.

So what's his latest crime against humanity? He's promoting an exhibit at the George Gustav Heye Center in New York City that includes the works of someone of Tejano/Italian ancestry. That's not even a real tribe -- We couldn't find it on the list!

"We are pleased to present this exciting collaboration with the Heard Museum," K.Go said in a press release. "The artists use video, painting, sculpture, photography and other media to present diverse and challenging interpretations of what it means to be indigenous today."

Can we ever trust you again K.Go? Shame!

But if you are brave enough to take this assault, "Remix: New Modernities in a Post Indian World," closes on September 21 -- four years to the day of the opening of the NMAI in Washington, D.C.

A sampling of songs heard on the SCIA webcast of today's hearing:

"Smoke on the Water" -- Deep Purple
"Our Lips Are Sealed" -- The Go-Gos
"House of Broken Love" -- Great White
"All Along the Watchtower" -- Jimi Hendrix
"Babe, I'm Gonna Leave You" -- Led Zeppelin
An 18-minute song that wasn't "Freebird" - Lynyrd Skynyrd
"Enter Sandman" - METALLICA!!!!!!
"Southern Man" and "Down By the River" -- Neil Young

Hmmm, is Sen. Byron Dorgan (D-North Dakota) trying to tell us something?

We wonder if Sen. John McCain (R-Arizona) will take time out from his presidential campaign to attend!

PS: We don't know if the hearing is starting at 1:30pm Mountain Standard Time, Hopi Standard Time or Navajo Standard Time, but we will wait forever until it does!

New York Gov. Eliot Spitzer is in enough hot water for allegedly spending $4,300 on a prostitute so why not make fun of him some more with an official Caption Contest!

Our friends from the Seneca Nation sent us this photo of Rodney Pierce, a tribal council member, with the troubled politico. We know you're already asking: What's the governor doing with his fingers?

If you have an idea, send us a note and you just might win a lifetime supply of Smokin Joes cigarettes, free of state taxes! OK, we are not really giving that away (or anything else for that matter) but have fun anyway!

Elaine Willman, alleged Cherokee, and her cabal of creepsters were in Washington, D.C., over the weekend for the annual Citizens Equal Rights Alliance/Citizens Equal Rights Foundation conference. Just what does this group stand for?

Based on this list of bills that CERA/CERF supports and opposes, we know they hate gaming, land-into-trust, federal recognition and tribal political donations. But they aren't anti-Indian, no siree. How do we know? They actually support H.R.4462, the Code Talker bill!

That puts CERA/CERF in the same company as the National Congress of American Indians, whose executive director Jackie Johnson promoted the bill at NCAI's recent winter session in DC. Just don't bet on Jax and Lainie roaming the halls of Congress together to lobby lawmakers on this important issue.

"They are getting more organized, more aggressive and more active," Johnson warned of anti-Indians groups like CERA/CERF.

We actually think Jax gave them too much credit. Have you seen their web page? It makes Dom Nessi look good.

Their conference agenda is pretty sad too. It's basically Elaine Willman on every single panel, because you know she isn't busy at all with her new job in Wisconsin, fighting the Oneida Nation.

And where are the important members of Congress and federal officials at their conference? Their biggest get a few years ago was David Yeagley aka Bad Eagle. What ever happened to him?

Another institution of higher learning has retired its "Indian" mascot -- and this time it was an entire family of Indians!

According to The Times Dispatch of Lawrence County:

Arkansas State University in Jonesboro officially retired the Indian Family as its mascot during halftime of the men's basketball game Thursday night at the Convocation Center.

ASU held "A Ceremony of Celebration, Recognition and Farewell," honoring both current and former members of the Indian Family. Carrying single feathers, former members of the Indian Family lined center court to welcome the current Indian Family into the arena.

And just what kind of feathers were those? They definitely weren't eagle feathers -- since that would be highly illegal.

Our guess is turkey. Better yet, they were probably plastic.

Pictured on the right is the Indian Brave, one of the Indian family members. Apparently, this was done to honor the Osage people, right before they were kicked out of Arkansas and into Oklahoma.

But anyway, not everyone at ASU seems to have gotten the memo. The ASU Indians site is still up and running and the school's teams are still being called "Indians." Their new name is supposed to "Wolves."