Dear Tribal Gaming Commissioners:

Your attention please.

Install these eBay slot machines in your tribal gaming facilities as soon as possible!

Thank you,

From your friends at the National Indianz Gaming Commission.

Word from NCAI is that Majel "99 Problems" Russell is resigning as of Friday. And Debbie "Silver Dollar", who was allegedly in the middle of the Carl-Majel brouhaha, is moving to another agency. George Skibine is cleanin' up!

You better get on this ASAP, Jerry Reynolds. This is another hot tip from the Washington insider who brought you news of the Section 20 regulations way back on May 12, just as soon as Carl Artman signed them and long before anyone else know about them.

So what's the latest scoop? It's another potentially devastating blow to Indian Country from our friends at the Interior Department:

I understand that there was a meeting the other day between Phil Hogan and Secretary Kempthorne in which Hogan was being told that the Secretary was exercising his inherent authority to review and overturn NIGC determinations. This revolved around the recent Poarch Band Creek Indina Lands Determination. I was wondering why your site did not have anything on this.

The National Indian Gaming Commission issued the opinion for the Poarch Band of Creek Indians on May 19. Looks like Dirk McGuirk jumped on Phil Hogen real quick!

So DiversityInc has done its part for the corporate world. In the interests of public service, In The Hoop has a list of things Bureau of Indian Affairs employees NEVER say to each other, as compiled by a secret BIA worker.

"I'm Staying Late Today."
Everyone knows the BIA closes at 4:30pm.

"Do you have anything for me to do?"
Unless it's in my job description. I ain't bovvered!

"Don't you miss Ada Deer?"
Closely followed by "Don't You Miss Hilda Manuel?" and "Don't you miss Sharon Blackwell?" The answer to all of these questions is: NO!!!!!

"What is the purpose of this land-into-trust application?"
What's an EIS?

"Do you think we should call central office?"
Well, they won't know the answer either.

"What is George Skibine wearing?"
I don't know but it looks fabulous!

"What's 11 down?"
Crosswords, the past-time of choice for BIA employees. But now we have the Internets, so we can resume that Yahoo! game we saved in 2001.

"How much is your per cap?"
If I had one, would I be working here?

In The Hoop isn't advocating this sort of behavior ... but at least members of the Kayapo Tribe in Brazil got their point across by attacking a government official with machetes in protest of a $6.7 billion dam on their territory.

The official said was "OK" though he was obviously injured in the attack on Tuesday. The Associated Press reported that tribal members -- including women -- were painted and wearing feathers for the special occasion.

And here's the best quote:

“He’s lucky he’s still alive,” said Partyk Kayapo, who uses his tribe’s name as his last. “They want to make a dam, and now they know they shouldn’t.”

Now, why didn't we think of that when the Bush administration decided to reorganize the Bureau of Indian Affairs and expand the Office of Special Trustee?

OK, we're kidding. Sorta.

Carl Artman, Oneida from Wisconsin, is resigning from the Bureau of Indian Affairs in 11 days. Besides the lavish gathering catered by Famous Dave's and the $48,500 portrait by a non-Indian artist, what legacy will this Bush nominee leave for Indian Country?

Well, something big is afoot over at 1849 C Street, according to a Washington insider*:

The new Section 20 regulations are in their final stages of publications. They will be Artman’s cruel final gift to Tribes.

You heard it here first! Not only is Artman finally taking action on land-into-trust applications in California, he's finally going to finalize those long-delayed regulations, only 20 years after the Indian Gaming Regulatory Act was passed. You can bet at least one presidential candidate will be taking credit for this.

* = A tip we picked up from Jerry Reynolds to refer to some random schmo in DC who wants to say something about Indians.

Have you seen this white, Indian or Hispanic man, who is somewhere between the ages of 30 and 40 and who is as short as 5'2" but as tall as 5'8"?

Oh and he has facial hair that is blond AND salt-and-pepper?

If so, then please contact police in Durango, Colorado, as well as Adam Beach at Law & Order: SVU, because the description of this crime suspect probably won't make it any easier to catch him!

Anyone who has heard Billy Frank Jr., the renowned Nisqually activist from Washington, knows he has a way with words. He gave one of his best one-liners to The Tacoma News-Tribune, which reported on the Nisqually Tribe's attempt to claim sovereignty over the Frank’s Landing Community, where Frank lives:

“Everything they touch turns to crap," Frank said of the Nisquallys.

Not to be outdone, Nisqually Chairwoman Cynthia Iyall had some strong words of her own regarding Frank's Landing's attempt to assert sovereignty:

Iyall recently dismissed Frank’s Landing’s five-member governing council as “basically a school board.”

Ouch. We hate to choose sides but we have to give this one to Billy Frank!

Jerry "Beemer" Reynolds, esteemed Washington, D.C., correspondent for Indian Country Today, loves anonymous sources even more than former New York Times reporter Judith Miller. But instead of reporting on non-existent WMDs (and going to jail for it) Reynolds lets us know what's really important -- the thoughts of our favorite lobbyists!

Just don't ask those lobbyists to be quoted by name. In Reynolds' latest Washington report, he makes up for his failure to attend last week's House Interior appropriations hearing by asking his favorite Capitol Hill sources what they thought about it:

Long-time observers of the case on Capitol Hill, commenting on condition of anonymity due to the contentiousness of the Cobell proceedings, expressed certainty the government will not part with anything close to $58 billion.

...

Another assortment of Capitol Hill observers, again commenting on condition of anonymity and again for the same reason, said the remarks may presage a significantly lower-than-requested appropriation for so-called IIM accounting.

Well, Indianz.Com WAS there, and not only did we not see Jerry Reynolds there, we didn't see any of these so called "long-time" observers. There were approximately three actual Indian people in attendance (besides government folk) and none of them resembled Jerry's go-to guys -- namely, Paul Moorehead, former Senate Indian Affairs Committee staffer and occasional Reynolds anonymous source.

So can you identify this gaggle of observers? We have no clue but we can bet where the found out the information they so readily commented on! Blog-ho!

JOIN THE 'Z'

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Here's one for you Internet sleuthsters: What do the Cherokee Nation and Google have in common, besides being evil empires? Well, they both hired the same lobbyist to lobby members of the Congressional Black Caucus!

According to lobbying records, Paul Brathwaite, the former executive director of the CBC, is helping the Cherokees and the Googlers with a serious color problem. You see, the Cherokees think they have too much of it while the Googlers don't have enough.

So seeing how we're all about solutions here at In The Hoop, we came up with one that will save Chad Smith and Google a heck of a lot of lobbying fees. Have Google hire all of the ousted Freedmen! That gives the Cherokees what they want (0 Freedmen descendants), the Googlers what they need (More than 1 African-American employee) and Congress can get back to its busy schedule of not passing the IHCIA before 2025.

We'll take our check in beads, thank you.

From toe-tappin' Larry Craig to gun-totin' Butch Otter, Idaho is filled with many colorful characters. So how did Indian Country end up with Dirk Kempthorne, the most boring Interior Secretary in history?

Sure, his story about visiting a home in Idaho and finding methamphetamine cooking on the stove is interesting -- the first time he told it. The tenth time? Not so much.

So it's not surprising that his answers to this U.S. News & World Report feature called Finished Sentences are exceptionally boring. He even makes riding a Harley sound ... lame.

1. My job title should really read..."secretary of the treasury, because I oversee America's real treasures...America the beautiful."

2. Breakfast this morning consisted of..."scrambled eggs and Idaho hash browns."

3. The toughest thing about my day is..."figuring out new ways to reconnect American children to nature."

4. When I'm not working, I make time for..."checking in on my first grandchild, Brody, in Idaho; visiting the Lincoln Memorial; doing push-ups and crunches; and riding my Harley."

5. If my 10-year-old self could see me now, he would say..."Wow, you really love your job, don't you?"

It makes us long for the days of Gale Norton and her crazy fashion sense! But she's too busy watching TV to care anymore.

Hey, what does NAHASDA stand for? At today's Interior appropriations hearing, Rep. John W. Olver (D-Massachusetts) wanted to know. But he asked the wrong person.

"Native ... American ... Housing .... something ... .... ... Development Act," said assistant secretary Carl Artman, a member of the Oneida Nation of Wisconsin.

What? Could it be that the head of the Bureau of Indian Affairs doesn't know the "SD" stands for Self-Determination, especially after all those years of working in Washington? He must be too busy cutting HIP to remember all those Indian acronyms.

Well, we guess it's a good thing he doesn't work at HUD. He might not have lasted there very long.

Remember J.D. Hayworth? The Congressman who was BFFs with Indian Country until his non-Indian constituents voted him out of office when he was linked to everyone's favorite lobbyist, Jack Abramoff?

Well, he's got bills to pay from that legal brouhaha! From his blog (yes, he actually has a blog, you can stop laughing now):

At any rate, I had to retain legal counsel in Washington , D.C. to communicate with the Justice Department and co-ordinate compliance with the DOJ’s requests for documents. Whatever remained in the campaign treasury went to cover those fees–and they did not cover them completely.

As a result, I still have outstanding legal bills that total in the hundreds of thousands of dollars.

That’s why “The Freedom in Truth Trust” has been established. Its name comes from holy scripture (”You shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free.”–John 8:32), and its acronym (FIT) is accurate, since this entire episode has given us fits!

So, tribes, if J.D. Hayworth ever wrote a bill for you (and there were quite a few of you), you better pony up and write a bill for him! Someone has to pay for that plastic surgery legal aid.

P.S. That's J.D., his lovely wife, Mary, and Famous Dave Anderson at the National Congress of American Indians annual conference in Fort Lauderdale, Florida, in 2004. Good times.